Eating plan for today.

Started with a protein shake.
Took a 1 hour walk.

Breakfast: 4 scrambled eggs with union, paprika, selery and spinach

Lunch: Little salad, with mushrooms, romain lettuce, tomatoes, 1/2 cup of coucous.
And a melon orange juice smoothie yum yum.

Diner: fish, mock potato salad, beet salad, 1 corn on the cobb.

1 cup of coffe and a little piece of 85% cacao chocolate.

That is it for today.
Bye have a great day.

Eating plan for today

Breakfast:
A bowl of fruit with flaxseed
Cup of coffee

Snack:
Whey protein spinach pear smoothie

Lunch:
Qunioa, spinach, basil, olive salad.

Diner:
Egg omlet, sauteed mushroom and unions, vegan curry saussage.

Cup of coffee.

That`s todays eating plan.
Have a great day.

Another day

Another day has passed, and i feel good.
I want to put my eating list on here:

Morning: a green smoothie, cup of coffee.
Lunch: a quinoa salad with roasted vegetables, and a glass of watermelon blended You have to try that it is amazing.
1 cup of coffee and 3 dates.
a protein shake blended with watermelon drink.
DINER: bulgur, cooked vegetables, boemboe, fish.
1 cup of coffee.

It is almost vegan i am not there yet, but i want to be.
I did drink to much coffee today normaly i drink 2 cups a day.
I realy want to change my life, i want to be happier with me, i want to enjoy my food and feel at peace with my body and so with my life.

It is all so connected with each other, for me anyways.
If i eat right i feel good. And i feel happier when i see pictures of all those colorfull salades and smoothies.
On to day 3.

Have a peacefull day.

Almost a year ago...

It has been almost a year when i posted my last post here on my blog. A lot has happend in these last few months .
The biggest thing was that i almost lost my mother to kidney failure.
I have lost myself during this time, and i am trying to find myself for once and for all.

I feel that i am finally on the right track, i am understanding things about myself little pieces at a time.
All my life i have been looking for love, and appreciation from my parents, and they gave me what they could, but it was not enough to give me a stable upbringing.

Since then i have been looking outside of myself to get this appreciation, validation, i was alway restless inside.
I now understand that i was always taking care of everyone but myself.
Always worrying about everyone else then myself.

This year i had a break down i did not want to take care of anyone anymore.
I was tired, i wanted to be taken care of.

Why didn`t anyone take care of me, take all of my pain from me.
Because i did not allow them to take care of me even if they wanted to.

I got angrier and angrier with everything and everyone. I even had a moment where i thought "what if i would die today, i would not have to feel al this hurt, all this pain anymore".

This thought scared me so much, how could i, (me of all people) sink so low.
This is NOT what i want, but what do i want, i really dont know.

The only thing i know for sure.... is that i am scared, scared of loosing people in my life.
Scared to be happy, why? Because when i find happiness i will lose someone or something.
If i would reach my goals in life, i will lose someone or something.

My life revolves around fear.
And this is what i have to change, or else my life will go by, just like the past 39 years i have lost (this is how it feels), not having the life that i want.


But what kind of life do i want, because of all this fear i am carrying inside I REALLY DO NOT KNOW what kind of life i want.
So i have looked for help and i hope this will help me find my way.

I have started today with my eating pattern, NO DIET, NO STARVING, but eating healthy foods that make me happy and strong.

So this is my foodplan for today:

cup of coffee
2 dates
a green smoothie
salade with quinoa, roasted vegetables.
green smoothie
fish, green beans, spinach, quinoa.
green smoothie.
2 dates.

My first day and i am feeling a tiny bit restless, but also a lot lighter in my body.
I am excited for tomorrow.

I have to take cake of myself now, keep you updated.

Lots of love

Another day.....

Another day waisted........
Going to bed, hating myself.

Shit day at work.....

I had a shit day at work, i wanna eat, EAT A LOT.

Diner, pastries and popcorn....

Today i was going to eat what my body wanted, not what my head (my voice) wanted but my body.
A cup of coffee that is what i wanted, so i did.
I did not have breakfast because i was not hungry, i ate 2 slices of bread with cheese at noon.
Around 3 i had a cup of tea, i wanted a chocolate chip cookie so bad, but why did i want that cookie i asked myself.
I was not hungry, so i didn`t.
Around 4 i got hungry and asked myself what did i want to eat, and i wanted fried egg.
So i fried 2 eggs on 2 slices of bread and a cup of milk.

I was feeling proud.

Then around diner time i was feeling restless.
My voice took over:

What do i need to do tomorrow...... o yes grocerie shopping, i have to make a list.
O my i am hungry....... am i, no not really .
I have to start diner, a small little piece of chocolate won`t hurt, no it won`t, have it, it`s just a small piece.
Finally... diner.
After diner, about 1hour, coffee with, yes a piece of pastry.
Why, i don`t know, i just want it....NOW.
There are 2 pastries left, don`t touch them ok..... OK.

Salty i want salty, POPCORN yes with a big glass of COCA COLA.
So popcorn it is.
Popcorn is finished... now what.... i am still restless, wait i still have some pastry, nice sweet pastry with a big glas of cold milk.
Tomorrow is a new day, you can start tomorrow, it`s ok.

I am feeling so bloated, so guilty....WHY WHY DID I LET MYSELF GO,............AGAIN.
You see, you will never learn, you will never be thin, you will always be struggling with yourself, with your body, with your food and with your life.
That is what my voice is telling me right now, i am going to sleep with this in my head.