Another day.....

Another day waisted........
Going to bed, hating myself.

Shit day at work.....

I had a shit day at work, i wanna eat, EAT A LOT.

Diner, pastries and popcorn....

Today i was going to eat what my body wanted, not what my head (my voice) wanted but my body.
A cup of coffee that is what i wanted, so i did.
I did not have breakfast because i was not hungry, i ate 2 slices of bread with cheese at noon.
Around 3 i had a cup of tea, i wanted a chocolate chip cookie so bad, but why did i want that cookie i asked myself.
I was not hungry, so i didn`t.
Around 4 i got hungry and asked myself what did i want to eat, and i wanted fried egg.
So i fried 2 eggs on 2 slices of bread and a cup of milk.

I was feeling proud.

Then around diner time i was feeling restless.
My voice took over:

What do i need to do tomorrow...... o yes grocerie shopping, i have to make a list.
O my i am hungry....... am i, no not really .
I have to start diner, a small little piece of chocolate won`t hurt, no it won`t, have it, it`s just a small piece.
Finally... diner.
After diner, about 1hour, coffee with, yes a piece of pastry.
Why, i don`t know, i just want it....NOW.
There are 2 pastries left, don`t touch them ok..... OK.

Salty i want salty, POPCORN yes with a big glass of COCA COLA.
So popcorn it is.
Popcorn is finished... now what.... i am still restless, wait i still have some pastry, nice sweet pastry with a big glas of cold milk.
Tomorrow is a new day, you can start tomorrow, it`s ok.

I am feeling so bloated, so guilty....WHY WHY DID I LET MYSELF GO,............AGAIN.
You see, you will never learn, you will never be thin, you will always be struggling with yourself, with your body, with your food and with your life.
That is what my voice is telling me right now, i am going to sleep with this in my head.

A new diet book????

Last week i watched the Oprah show and on her show there was a writer named Geneen Roth.
She has a new book out named Women, Food and God, and i was intrigued at what she had to say.
So i had to have that book, i bought the audio book so i can play it in my house in my car anywhere i want.

I have listened to the audio book, it is a lot to take in.
My voice in my head is resisting, not everything, but the part where i can eat what i want i difficult
to grasp.

Getting at peace with ME my BODY my FOOD and my LIFE.

Eight years old i was when i started my very first diet, EIGHT how crazy is that.
My docter told my mom i should have started a diet straight from the womb, yes i was a big girl then and i am a much bigger girl now.

How did i become a bigger girl, because i have dieted and yoyoed all my life, how old am i now you might ask, 38, 38 years old.
I have tried every diet i could get my hands on, Atkins, South beach, Sonja bakker (this is a dutch dietician, Zone diet, Low fat diet, pineapple diet, apple diet, and a LAP-BAND.
And what did it get me, nothing, i still struggle with my ME with MY BODY with FOOD and therefore MY LIFE.

My weight has taken over my life.
I have lost myself and my place in my own life.
I don`t want to diet any more, i don`t want to be affraid of food any more.
I want to be at peace with ME with MY BODY, with MY FOOD and with MY LIFE.

This blog is where is start my journey, my journey of learning to get to that place of peace.
And see what will happen throug out this journey.