Almost a year ago...

It has been almost a year when i posted my last post here on my blog. A lot has happend in these last few months .
The biggest thing was that i almost lost my mother to kidney failure.
I have lost myself during this time, and i am trying to find myself for once and for all.

I feel that i am finally on the right track, i am understanding things about myself little pieces at a time.
All my life i have been looking for love, and appreciation from my parents, and they gave me what they could, but it was not enough to give me a stable upbringing.

Since then i have been looking outside of myself to get this appreciation, validation, i was alway restless inside.
I now understand that i was always taking care of everyone but myself.
Always worrying about everyone else then myself.

This year i had a break down i did not want to take care of anyone anymore.
I was tired, i wanted to be taken care of.

Why didn`t anyone take care of me, take all of my pain from me.
Because i did not allow them to take care of me even if they wanted to.

I got angrier and angrier with everything and everyone. I even had a moment where i thought "what if i would die today, i would not have to feel al this hurt, all this pain anymore".

This thought scared me so much, how could i, (me of all people) sink so low.
This is NOT what i want, but what do i want, i really dont know.

The only thing i know for sure.... is that i am scared, scared of loosing people in my life.
Scared to be happy, why? Because when i find happiness i will lose someone or something.
If i would reach my goals in life, i will lose someone or something.

My life revolves around fear.
And this is what i have to change, or else my life will go by, just like the past 39 years i have lost (this is how it feels), not having the life that i want.


But what kind of life do i want, because of all this fear i am carrying inside I REALLY DO NOT KNOW what kind of life i want.
So i have looked for help and i hope this will help me find my way.

I have started today with my eating pattern, NO DIET, NO STARVING, but eating healthy foods that make me happy and strong.

So this is my foodplan for today:

cup of coffee
2 dates
a green smoothie
salade with quinoa, roasted vegetables.
green smoothie
fish, green beans, spinach, quinoa.
green smoothie.
2 dates.

My first day and i am feeling a tiny bit restless, but also a lot lighter in my body.
I am excited for tomorrow.

I have to take cake of myself now, keep you updated.

Lots of love