Diner, pastries and popcorn....

Today i was going to eat what my body wanted, not what my head (my voice) wanted but my body.
A cup of coffee that is what i wanted, so i did.
I did not have breakfast because i was not hungry, i ate 2 slices of bread with cheese at noon.
Around 3 i had a cup of tea, i wanted a chocolate chip cookie so bad, but why did i want that cookie i asked myself.
I was not hungry, so i didn`t.
Around 4 i got hungry and asked myself what did i want to eat, and i wanted fried egg.
So i fried 2 eggs on 2 slices of bread and a cup of milk.

I was feeling proud.

Then around diner time i was feeling restless.
My voice took over:

What do i need to do tomorrow...... o yes grocerie shopping, i have to make a list.
O my i am hungry....... am i, no not really .
I have to start diner, a small little piece of chocolate won`t hurt, no it won`t, have it, it`s just a small piece.
Finally... diner.
After diner, about 1hour, coffee with, yes a piece of pastry.
Why, i don`t know, i just want it....NOW.
There are 2 pastries left, don`t touch them ok..... OK.

Salty i want salty, POPCORN yes with a big glass of COCA COLA.
So popcorn it is.
Popcorn is finished... now what.... i am still restless, wait i still have some pastry, nice sweet pastry with a big glas of cold milk.
Tomorrow is a new day, you can start tomorrow, it`s ok.

I am feeling so bloated, so guilty....WHY WHY DID I LET MYSELF GO,............AGAIN.
You see, you will never learn, you will never be thin, you will always be struggling with yourself, with your body, with your food and with your life.
That is what my voice is telling me right now, i am going to sleep with this in my head.